Paraprosdokians

A little humor to start off your Saturday (since Saturday starts about 10:30am or so) using paraprosdokians.

  • I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.
  • If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
  • We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
  • War does not determine who is right — only who is left.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • Evening news is where they begin with ”Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
  • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  • Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
  • I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
  • Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In an emergency, notify:” I write: “A DOCTOR.”
  • I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  • Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  • The voices in my head may not be real, but they sometimes have some good ideas!
  • I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
  • There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
  • I used to be indecisive; now I’m not sure.
  • I always take life with a grain of salt… plus a slice of lemon… and a shot of tequila.
  • You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  • Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Judicial Humor

Read  this document and see what happens when the judge thinks of the sides bickering.  Some of the choice quotes in the document are:

The Court is sympathetic with the Defendant’s argument.  Surely Defendant’s corporate representative, a resident of Arkansas, would feel great humiliation by being forced to enter the home state of the University of Texas, where legendary Texas Longhorns have wrought havoc on the Arkansas Razorbacks with an impressive 55-21 all-time series record.

On the other hand, the Court is sympathetic with Plaintiff’s position.  Plantiffs might enter Arkansas with a bit of trepidation as many residents of Arkansas are still seeking retribution for the “Game of the Century” in which James Street and Darrell Royal stunned the Razorbacks by winning the 1969 National Championship.

Of course, the judge has the best way to solve this little issue of people not wanting to enter each other’s state:

Accordingly, it is ordered that unless the parties agree otherwise, the deposition of Defendant’s corporate representative shall occur … on the steps of the Texarkana Federal Building ….

It is further ordered that each party is to remain on his or her respective side of the state line.

And of course, if you’re thinking about it, the “Game of the Century” the judge references isn’t really right, since the true game of the century according to the judge in his footnotes: ‘…occurred on January 4, 2006 when Vince Young and Mack Brown led the Longhorns in a 41-38 win over the USC Trojans…’

I just wonder how many judges and lawyers write funny orders or motions either because they find the case absolutely ludicrous or just plain don’t like the other people?

FORA.tv, it’s like TED but not.

FORA.tv has videos much like TED and in fact, it seems to be like TED with the exception of the name.  Anyway, the videos seem to be varied more than at TED.  For instance, FORA has an interview with John Turturro where he talks about playing Jesus in the Big Lebowski and how he’d like to see a sequel with his character playing a school bus driver since all pederasts end up being school bus drivers.  There was also this interesting talk by Jonah Lehrer speaking about epiphanies and how they occur (which I recommend watching).

What is programming?

“Programming is planning how to solve a problem. No matter what method is used — pencil and paper, slide rule, adding machine, or computer -problem solving requires programming. Of course, how one programs depends on the device one uses in problem solving.” – from the ROYAL PRECISION, Electronic Computer PROGRAMMING MANUAL for the LGP-30.

I saw this quote on an article linked from digg, but I like it and what it says (maybe i should have read the entire article and see if I liked it; but i didn’t). It all depends on your problem solving skills. You can’t just program a computer to give you an answer to a problem unless you yourself have an idea on how to solve it.

Which is why I find it funny people always talk about having experience programming in some language X or Y for Z years. What you should really be trumpeting is how many years solving complex problems – knowing the algorithms and the hows and whys to solve problems is more important than the language the solution is written in. Once you understand and internalize algorithms, implementing them in a programming language or implementing them in a programming language you have to learn is a simple task (or should be a simple task) since the underlying concepts are the same.

All this is a round-about way of saying: programming is the art of solving problems efficiently given a set of tools.